Natural, Normal and NLP

Have you ever had a conversation with someone where they justified a personal limitation as a natural part of being human?

It can come in many guises. You can state the personal limitation or response and then reframe it with, “but it’s only natural, isn’t it?” Or you can say something like “but I had to honour my humanity” or “I had to honour my feelings” or “I had to honour my truth.”

Some of us will attribute shortcomings, problems or limitations to genetics, or to fate, destiny or universal forces – the natural order of things. In this way we can attribute personal problems to factors outside of ourselves, justify our actions and dismiss any need to do something about the problem, all in one dismissive phrase.

I hear this frequently. What I would say is that many of these things are not natural, although they are normal, and with NLP they can be eliminated as a limitation altogether.

So what is so wrong with saying something is natural? Aren’t there human qualities that are natural? Good question, I’m glad you asked.

Lets look at what I mean by natural and normal. As I hear it "natural" implies that a behaviour or a characteristic is instinctual. That it is hard wired in to the human psyche and that no matter where you are in the world, irrespective of culture, ethnicity, age, sex or economic circumstance, when confronted with particular situations, this behaviour will manifest itself automatically. I should be able to see the identical response from Thailand to Trinidad, Argentina to the Alice. That would be a natural human quality. If you cannot see this same response in all four corners of the globe, at all points in history and well into the foreseeable future, then it probably isn’t “natural.”

Effectively, “natural” implies a lack of choice. Like baby turtles making their way to the sea, like herds moving through a range of territory looking for the best grazing lands, monkeys climbing trees, or eagles taking to flight. There is no questioning or assessment in these behaviours for these creatures, it is automatic.

There is also a tendency to attribute many problems to genes – the hereditary explanation. Without doubt there are genetic factors but there are actually very few things with a proven genetic link. I once had a nuclear scientist in one of my courses.

We got on to the topic of genetics and she strongly debunked the popular assumptions around genetic links claiming that most were in fact correlations based on statistics, not science. She explained in great detail and with great eloquence how the DNA cannot physically carry sufficient coding to predetermine all of the behaviours and characteristics currently attributed to hereditary factors, and that scientists are not very scientific when it comes to these things.

Put simply, the genetic argument would imply that, even if you had been brought up in rural Afghanistan in a completely different family and culture, you would behave very similarly to what you do now. Ask an anthropologist what they think of that.

Normal is that which we see regularly around us in our particular community – the predominant response or patterns. It may be normal for people to blame others for their misfortune. It is normal for people to get angry when challenged, it may be normal for people to struggle with relationships, to be dissatisfied in their jobs, to end up on an aged pension, or be unable to support themselves financially for an extended period of unemployment. It may be normal for people to get drunk and “blow off steam” on the weekends, for men to get aggressive and be closed minded, for women to be reluctant to change a tyre or deal with mechanical things. It may be normal for people to turn to pharmaceuticals when they have emotional problems, or to self fulfil the doctor’s diagnosis. It may be normal for parents pamper their children, or for parents to dread school holidays.

Many things may be normal within our society but they are not natural. They are the particular idiosyncrasies of people in our immediate surroundings and it is easy to generalise these behaviours as natural or human, but they may be the just the particular quirks of your family, your peer group or your community. As a therapist you so often hear of people who grow up in highly dysfunctional family situations that just assumed other families were just the same, that it was normal. Sometimes this is a useful coping mechanism, “denial ain’t just a river in Egypt”.

However what is normal for you may not be normal for someone else, and what is normal may not natural. At best it may be “normal” for you, but would it be normal for Richard Branson, or the Deli Lama, or Nelson Mandela. Normal is something that can be questioned, challenged, or changed if desirable.

I had a person in a recent Practitioner training who described anger and paranoia as normal and pervasive aspects of his culture and ethnicity. He is a guy whose greatest wish is to help as many people as he can – he has broken away from his norm.

The irony for me is that I so rarely hear people attribute positive behaviours to something natural or normal. They don’t describe an insatiable desire to learn as “natural”. They don’t describe the way they overcome challenges as “natural” or even “normal”. The tendency in my experience is that people attribute personal shortcomings to nature or community standards. Natural implies there is nothing one can do about it. It is fixed. It is done. All you can do is resign yourself to the sad truth. Normal implies that it may not be ideal but it is what everybody does, and so minimises the problem - it equates to social proof.

In Catch 22, a novel set in WWII, an American bombardier (Yossarian) is desperately trying to get out of flying missions on the grounds of insanity. The psychologist asks Yossarian what would he think if every serviceman in the American army thought the same way he did and wanted to quit in the middle of a war. Yossarian responds, “If everybody thought like me I’d be a fool to think any differently.”

Even if something is normal for you, if it is limiting you and stopping you getting what you want in life, it can be changed. It has been said that most people live lives of quiet desperation. NLP is a quick and painless approach that can facilitate a shift in perspective. NLP is about helping people model excellence, and shows people how to make excellence a norm for them. Typically the outcome is greater success in your chosen field. NLP is born out of a belief in human potential. NLP would suggest that you are capable of far more than you think you are and that it is only these false limitations that hold you back. You are far more than you can conceive yourself to be.

In our courses we see people change massively over a few days. Some change their attitudes and step away from fear, some recognise that they have lived a stunted life largely prescribed by others, some actually look years younger.

You don’t have to be a prisoner of your genes, your past, or your environment. You don’t have to resign yourself to your “fate.” The NLP approach is that you create your life by taking charge and choosing your responses. NLP can move you beyond what is normal or the ordinary and towards the extraordinary. If you hear this sort of thinking or know of someone who is allowing themselves to be ruled in this way, with love and grace, it might be prudent to challenge those thoughts. There are three little questions you could ask in relation to a limitation:

“Is it true?”

“Is it absolutely true?” (i.e. is it true always – everywhere, anytime)
“Does this belief/approach create stress in your life, or add to your wellbeing?” (If it adds stress it might be time to let it go)

Try them and see what comes up.

If you want to know more go to www.beyondnlp.com.au

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